


Searching for Love in Words

by whoopsiedaisies



Category: No Fandom
Genre: i hope you enjoy, poems i wrote and am proud of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-07-26 23:01:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7593766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoopsiedaisies/pseuds/whoopsiedaisies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of poems and stories I have written.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good Ol' Days

Take me back

To the good ol’ days

Where Papa would bellow,

His voice breaking through the stucco walls

And filling me with warmth

To when Mama would smile

And the lines beside her eyes

Would fold up in the best way possible

Back to when the only time

I would think of Death

Was when she would visit for the winter

 

But now Papa is silent

In his grave

And Mama only smiles

When her drugs kick in

And Death is now

My only friend

And is the only thing

Keeping me alive


	2. Compliment Me

These tears fuel this fiery sadness

I let them leak like gasoline

They do not help me

So I’ll choke them down

 

‘Sorry’ you say

It’s not your fault

Why are you sorry?

That’s my job

Because I am a burden

And I know that for certain

 

And I love it so much

This dull ache in my chest

That I can’t look you in the eyes

So you won’t see how happy I am

To be so sad

 

These firework kisses

We keep on kerosene sidewalks

They do not help

To ease the pain

 

I can never love you as much

As my insecurities do

Compliment me

That’s all I need

I’ll leave when you run out

 

Fix me if you can

But you’re not a handyman

Your tools cannot mend me

For these cracks are eternal

 

Leave me when you're ready

When you’ve finally had enough

I understand, I really do

I know I’m not enough for you

 

And I hate myself so much

I’ve learned to avoid mirrors

For I may not be so ugly on the outside

But my insides do not meet your beauty standards

 

I am not beauty

I am a disgrace

And it pains me to say

That I don’t mind it

 

Chew me up and

Spit me out

I don’t care anymore

I always knew I tasted bitter

 

Wreck me

Break me

Tear me to shreds

I live and breath my own destruction

 

Maybe now you’ll see

That I am not so fine

I’m sick, please find me a cure

 

Pills and pills

I’ll take them by the dozen

They make me numb to this burning feeling

Is this any better?

 

I don’t need you

To know I am great

I don’t need you

Or your validation

 

I can look you in the eyes

I can say I’m just fine

I mean it this time, I swear

But I guess I mean only sometimes

 

And I am older now

My happiness was years in the making

I am sometimes not so fine

But sometimes isn’t always

 

If you could see me now

You would surely be surprised

I don’t need your compliments

Confidence grows like wildflowers within me

 

Medication down the drain

I am living

I can breath

But please, if you will

Compliment me


	3. Old Oak

I am  
Old  
My skin is  
Worn  
My teeth are not  
My own  
My hair is in a pile  
Under the bedsheets  
My hands are shaking  
And it’ s hard to eat

The nurse’s  
They all know me  
The hospital  
Is my home

Their tubes pour out of me like  
Branches from a tree  
I am an  
Old oak tree  
And these tubes are  
My branches  
Sucking the water  
From my Old tree bones  
To help them grow

My seeds, my children  
They never visit me  
‘Come home for dinner’ I say  
‘I can’t,’ they will tell me  
But I know they only mean they have better things to do

My leaves  
They’re withered  
Dried out,  
My skin is wrinkled  
Cracked  
And disease  
Infests me like  
Termites

My bones  
Grow no more  
My last rings  
Circle me  
I will no longer  
Grow from them  
My seeds  
Now trees  
They have visited me  
In my drout  
While I am sick  
Infested  
I am so happy  
To see them  
Yet they are so sad  
When they see me  
They hang on to me  
Like ropes of a tire swing  
Miss me,  
Please  
Like I have missed  
You

My last breath  
Is a long one  
A sigh  
To end it all  
My branches are  
Made into coffins  
Where I lie now  
I won’t cry  
My roots are back in the ground  
As so flowers  
Will finally grow  
From my bones  
And make this wasteland  
Beautiful again


	4. I Still Don't Know Where To Put The Body

my hands gripped your throat  
squeezing  
trying to find my breath  
your life  
where did it go

i can’t tell where  
my lie ends  
and yours begins  
they are intertwined  
to form  
where we are now

with my fingers gripping  
your throat, in hope  
to find my own  
long-lost lifeline  
i fear we are both  
losing ourselves

you are in my hands,  
slipping through the cracks  
in my fingers  
like sand  
in the gaps  
between us  
what do I do  
with what is left of you

I am left  
with only skin and bone  
and all your entrails inside  
what will I do with them?  
maybe I should keep these  
as a reminder

that i am as bad  
as you knew I was

i am as cruel   
as you thought you were


	5. I Wish I Knew How To Quit You

I fear that you are the hole in my head,  
But it’s hard to say when you are never  
Here yet you always fill the space in my bed

It is just big enough for you. I dread  
That this is how it will always end; sever  
This fear that you are the hole in my head

You come home and lay against me; clever  
You are to remind me of heaven, bled  
Into where you fill the space in my bed

When did heaven become so violent – spread  
Me out and tear me apart – these tremors  
Of fear that you are the hole in my head

You fill it with lies and I am misled  
To believe that this is love – however  
You never do fill the space in my bed

Don’t leave, don’t leave, I beg of you, please, thread  
Your hand in mine, squeeze tight; forever  
You will be the fear you put in my head;  
You will always fill the space in my bed


	6. Dear God, Where Have You Been?

Dear God,  
Where have you been?  
I have been waiting for you  
For as long as I have lived

You left me  
Cold and broken and  
Lonely

I have sat in these church pews   
Day in and Day out  
The preacher yelling  
As if you could not hear him  
If he quieted  
Even a notch

I have been on my knees  
For hours on end  
Praying  
For your voice in my ear  
I have spent  
Years of my life  
On the hope that someday  
You would speak to me  
Give me all the answers  
I wish I had known it was a waste

Where were you  
When I was screaming  
Crying  
For you to return to me  
To give me the answers  
To all of my problems

Why are you not here?  
What have I done?  
God, your bible condemns me  
Says I must die  
I thought you had love for everyone?  
Where was your love for me  
When I needed it?

God, your Followers,  
They have so much hate for me  
For who I am  
What have I done  
To deserve this?

I am as much your child  
As they are  
Aren’t I?  
Father, why have you left me?  
Cold and broken and  
Lonely

I’m sorry, god,  
But I am afraid  
That I must leave this chapel  
I must leave you  
As you have left me  
I no longer believe in you  
When you say  
You have love  
For me


	7. All's Fair in Love and War

All of my sins remembered,  
I lay dying;  
Her sword up through me  
Like marked land;  
I am forever hers to walk on.

The darkness is time lost,  
Myself forever losing;  
Her, a black hole,  
I am sucked in eternally.

This home, like a battlefield,  
I roam in fear;  
Her, the everloving enemy,  
There to monitor my every move.

Oh how I would die for,  
Her frail hands hold firm my revolver;  
Smile helplessly, hopelessly  
In love with her sleight of hand,  
Now a quick-pull-trigger


	8. Sins of the Flesh

she stands, her tongue down my throat  
my hands clutching her hips  
in the fear that she may leave me hanging if I let go  
a picture of Jesus hands above us  
and I’ve never felt so good while sinning before  
her nails scrape down my back  
burns fire-hot and oh so sexy  
I shove my knee between her thighs  
and pull myself closer to her radiating heat


	9. O Dear Goddess Hestia

O, dear Goddess Hestia,  
bless me with a warm place to sleep tonight,  
for I fear that after this  
I will not know warmth any longer.

I see her approaching --  
a daughter of God Boreas, bringer of winter --  
a woman I so dearly loved.  
Mist curls from her skin  
like mist on dry ice.

I used to think how I felt when she  
touched me was  
heat, passion;  
but I look back on it now,  
and I can see the frostbite.

I catch sight of my blue skin;  
what I once thought was normal after  
so long in her grasp.

I look down at my body;  
so many scars left from the  
verglas she had formed;  
her emblem forever sketched on me.

O, dear Goddess Hestia,  
bless me with a warm place to sleep tonight,  
for I fear that after this,  
I will not know warmth any longer.


	10. panic attacks

bees buzz in the  
crescent-shaped dents  
my untamed nails have  
left in my palms

my teeth clatter  
against each other like   
the fragile china my grandmother owns;  
I can feel the shards they leave behind

like cloth stretched too tight  
my stomach clenches,  
hardens like concrete  
and spreads till’ i’m a statue

fire burns through my veins  
spreading heat and blisters  
inside of me  
adrenaline masks the pain for now


	11. Mania - obsessive love (according to the Greeks)

I saw you years from now,  
when the withdrawal had become easy again,  
And you saw me, sadly;  
thought I’d open my arms for you;  
I did it only to be  
pulled down again by your  
liquid-fire love;  
it seeps under my skin and settles  
just like it used to.

And what ceremony of words you have brought to me,  
constructed of lies and untold (mis)fortune,  
and I am left to soak   
in my addiction of you.

As the night spreads over  
we are both left in a brief blaze of   
that nostalgic something, that  
melancholy aftertaste Aphrodite always “blesses” us with;  
and you leave again as routine kicks in  
while I wait to see you years from now,  
when the withdrawal becomes easy.

And you always say  
I am that ruthless kind of love,  
like it is my fault you leave,  
but you are that mania kind of love  
I can never breathe.  
Addiction is always so much harder  
when the drug says she loves you too.


	12. Dreams of Water

I have never dreamt of water;  
of all the short-stacked dung beetles and  
bright-pink sunflowers,  
I have never once dreamt of water.

I’m not sure what this means;  
maybe that my body is a  
sun-soaked desert in  
desperate need of a perfect storm.

or maybe an empty glass;  
wanting to be filled to the brim,  
If only to have a purpose again.


	13. Awakened

As I slowly awaken,  
I become aware of their hands.  
It is the first thing I notice;  
their hands inside my abdomen.

I cannot move,  
yet I do not panic.  
This is not the first time  
I’ve woken before I was supposed to.

I keep my eyes closed,  
in fear of what they might do  
if they notice I am conscious.  
Last time, well,   
I was brought here for a reason.

I feel their hands move within;  
I know that they are trying to put me back together,  
but it feels like they are pulling me apart.  
I wonder how long this will last.

I am afraid I may not remember this;  
a blessing, really,  
after having to remember the last time.  
I will simply lay here, hoping I don’t;  
just like last time.


	14. Unfaithful

lay your knees upon this altar  
and leave them there to wither  
just as your faith will  
as you kneel there for eternity  
with no sign of the God  
you kneel there for


	15. Tired

I am so tired;  
I feel as if I could  
sink down into the soft, damp dirt and  
sleep forever;  
let moss encase me  
and insects make homes  
in my body;  
at least then I would be contributing to something.

I’m so exhausted;  
I feel as if I am a  
dead man walking;  
everything feels so dull,  
so empty;  
who knew eternal sleep could be  
so sleepless;  
I wish, for once, my  
eyes would finally close.

I am so weary;  
I feel as if I am only  
drifting through life,  
meaninglessly;  
my eyes always half-closed;  
walking aimlessly  
with no real destination.


	16. The Sick's Bitterness

does it scare you?  
does it disgust you?  
how Death lurks around my every corner?  
how no matter how many times I  
shower a day, the stench of sick and  
white blood cells linger;  
of course, only until my skin is no more,  
only dust and ash in a pile in an  
overly expensive coffin under six feet of dirt  
left to rot with the rest of me

do I remind you of the fate we all share?  
of our mortal demise;  
how life is fleeting,  
even though you’ll get to live it  
longer than I will?

do I scare you?  
do I disgust you?  
the way I walk like I am alive when we  
all know that I am very much dead;  
living, breathing  
the same air as you  
although, we all know I am soon to be  
no more?  
the way the sick like me can look so healthy,  
so human.


	17. The Man on the Moon

Once upon a summer’s day,  
The waves had swallowed up the land;  
She had tried so hard to keep the sea at bay,  
Yet the ocean had other things planned.

The man, the moon  
Pulls the tides on tight reigns;  
Clutching the woman for whom he had swooned,  
Yet all his attempts at love were in vain.

She is encased, drowning,  
In the love of a man she has never known-  
The danger of which is quite astounding-  
Thrust upon a throne made of bone.

Forever she will be trapped with a man;  
Forever scared of the consequences if she ran.


	18. Strawberry Daiquiris

I’m sorry I just think that  
It’s funny how you can  
Stand there, tear-stained cheeks and  
Trembling lips with Disney Hero  
Words on your tongue and still  
Have those sinful fingers  
Delicately crossed behind your back

No, don’t mind me I’m just  
Reminiscing about the times when  
I thought your Prince Charming  
Kisses were doled out to me  
And me only, what a fool I was  
I can still taste the Strawberry Daiquiri  
That lingered on your tongue  
During those late-night meetings  
You always complained about

I’m so sorry to interrupt your  
Evil Queen monologue  
Trying to taunt me with your  
Vermilion apple, me innocently and  
Unknowingly your Snow White,  
A fool, believing you were the Prince  
Come to awaken me with your  
Fruity salute of the lips  
I’ll never forget  
The taste of your apples  
That sent me into a coma  
How you knew what you did to me


End file.
